Last night, I was prowling the streets of New York City, searching, ACHING, for a good story. After all, who wants to hear about Greenland anymore? It was dark, but for a split-second, I felt my writer’s senses tingling … Something big was happening, and I had to find out what. 

I searched through the darkest alleys, the highest buildings, and the bottom of the Hudson River, when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something. It was so terrifying, I thought my eyes and ears were playing tricks on me, but deep inside the HSMSE tunnels, I discovered Obama sensually revealing his last name to Harry Styles! Something much more important and scandalous than any intimacy could be.

I was shocked; I was flabbergasted; I was astonished; I was every single synonym you can think of (honestly, not a lot). Obama, the 44th President of the United States, 64 years old (but he’s aged like fine wine), and most importantly, MARRIED TO MICHELLE OBAMA, had an affair with a man half his age. What does this mean for the United States? What about his marriage? His kids? I guess if one President can get away with being in the files, another can get away with being gay. But enough of that, I have a more important question: How will this affect Harry Styles’ tour?