Annalie Merkel

Being a student athlete is not a walk in the park (although cross country might argue it is a run in the park), yet the Hudson River Scum definitely make it look that way. Since our time in the trailers, the Hudson River Scum (HRs for short) have traveled long and far to compete at the South Carolina State High School League Boys’ Hockey Section & State Tournament, and for six (or seven) straight years they have walked away number one. How do they do it and what are they gonna do next?

The Achoo sat down (this is a figure of speech, this conversation took place standing over my computer while typing an email (well, I was standing I’m not sure about anyone else)) with Ms. Hesseltine to take a look at the crazy success. 

You might see Ms. Hesseltine, or better known as Coach H, on her afternoon run wondering why she would torture herself with that. She responded by saying “It’s not torture. It’s not even half of what I ask from my players. I do it for solidarity. After all, I was a professional player from 12–22.” Coach H is a beast and we respect her game. 

Beyond the hard work and training regime, Coach H credits their success to five rules the team follows (she ranked them by importance):

1. Look good, play well
   1. The team has a bonding activity every three weeks where they achieve the ultimate flow state and have a total makeover. I mean we’re talking manicures, hair cuts, massages, face masks, and obviously, purple hair dye.
2. Hockey > grades
   1. All athletes are excused from morning classes, especially gym.
   2. Grades are only pass or fail.
3. Hockey is year round
   1. The team doesn’t take off days, unless it’s for their make overs (insert wink emoji).
4. The pregame locker room chants
   1. Home or away, HRs believes in their routine. Involving three 20-minute chants and a series of complicated handshakes, this routine ensures they keep their winning streak.
5.  (Coach H sent her email without #5 so I guess we’ll never know) 

For those among our reader base who aren’t as familiar with the greatest sport on Earth, here’s a quick explainer of the most common rules that come up in most games. (By the way, how could you not be familiar already? You need to do some serious soul searching.) These rules are listed in order of frequency of occurrence.

1. If your team pulls the goalie in overtime to gain an advantage and have four skaters on the ice rather than three, but your empty net gets scored on, you do not receive the one point in the standings you ordinarily would for an overtime loss.
2. Slew-footing is a very common penalty, and it involves a player deliberately sweeping another player’s feet out from under them, causing them to fall backwards. It carries with it a 5-minute major penalty and game misconduct (that is, you get ejected from the game).
3. Generally, if your net gets knocked off its moorings, play stops. If your team knocks the net off intentionally, you are not allowed to change personnel. With that said, if there is an imminent scoring chance and your team knocks your net off intentionally, and the officials rule that the puck would have gone into the net had the net been in its proper place, it’s a goal anyway.

Since my interview with Coach H was rather … lacking … in writing material, I wrote a pleading email to third-line forward and alternate captain Gareth Reis (’26) who graciously said I could ask him two questions. Thank goodness he said two because one wouldn’t have been enough. 

Annalie Merkel: Hi Gareth! It’s so nice to talk to you!! I heard through the grapevine that you’re the most crucial member on the team who’s a defense-offense right-handed player, or whatever. What can you tell us about that?

Gareth Reis: So, I’m a defensive forward, which means I basically just do the grunt work, forecheck, backcheck, draws, blah blah blah, and occasionally put the biscuit between the pipes, usually by cleaning up the loose change in the crease. My main role, the thing that got me the A on my sweater, is that whenever things are tense, I come in  and lighten the mood a bit with a wisecrack here or there. Sometimes there’s a scrum behind the net, and those are fun because then I get to punch people in the face with no consequences whatsoever! Gotta stick up for the boys, you know?

AM: I’m sorry, but what? I fear none of that makes sense to the average HSMSC, STEM-focused, 5’4″ child. I get that you score but why the flip do you punch people? I mean, this is a high school sport … 

GR: I wish I scored more, to be honest. I don’t get a ton of goals, most of my points are apples, but it’s good to get more guys on the score sheet. Most of my goals come on rebounds or pucks the goalie didn’t freeze, and then I just lift it short side top cheese, and the rest is history. As for punching people, if my tendie gets run over, that’s a mortal sin in our eyes, and we have to stand up for him. We don’t take hitting our goalie lying down, you know, and if one of the boys gets hit hard, we gotta answer the bell. We’re a team, and we need to make that come through to the opponents.

AM: Okay I know you only said two questions and you have to get to practice but you’ve only made this more confusing. So what’s an apple? And then I need to know what your message is to your team and to the school? Any good words of advice? Sorry that’s a lot but I have to ask you to explain it like you’re talking to a 5 year old please!!

GR: No problem, no problem. So apples are assists, it’s got nothing to do with the fruit. An assist a day probably won’t keep the doctor away, you know? My message is that the brotherhood is strong, and we’re a real team. As for advice, I dunno, just don’t get hit by a car and don’t get arrested. That’s about all I got.

AM: Wow, that’s inspirational! Thanks a lot.

After my long conversation with Gareth, star defensive forward for the HRs, and my shorter conversation with Coach H, I’ve grown appreciative for the hard work of HSMSC’s very own ice hockey team. Since their season is all year around, we’re always wishing them good luck!

Follow the HRs on Instagram @HRswinalways and watch them play at Jacob Schiff playground every week. They’ll even handle complaints against your employer.