Aries: Don’t blame the stars for your feelings of inferiority. Blame your classmates who juggle extracurriculars, volunteer work, and jobs, and still have time to score higher than you on that math test.

Taurus: Beware a man in a blue hat. He will bring you nothing but misfortune, sorrow, and envy over his impeccable style.

Gemini: You will dab on your many haters with vigor.

Cancer: Today might have been the day you finally decided to stop being boring and start taking risks in your life. But alas, the stars aren’t feeling it. Better luck tomorrow.

Leo: When the time comes, you’ll be ready. You won’t know what for, but your fridge will be stocked and you’ll be holding a 9 iron, ready for anything.

Virgo: There’s been an interesting purchase you’ve had your mind on for quite some time now. It’s not the stars’ place to help you make financial decisions, but the moon says go for it.

Libra: Believe in your inner strength and you’ll conquer anyone who stands in your way. Except those with a larger inner strength.

Scorpio: Years of pollution have rendered humanity’s view of the night sky hazy. Ask again later.

Sagittarius: The next time you get a call from an unknown number, answer it. You’ll never get a chance to talk to Michelle from North Dakota again.

Capricorn: Spring has sprung, and you know what that means! Bees. Run.

Aquarius: Prioritize your personal life over obsessing over strangers on the internet for hours. Trust the stars, your life needs work.

Pisces: You’re overworked, and if you work anywhere above board as a teenager, underpaid. You may be tired, but you need to keep going so you can fulfill your true purpose: inspiring feelings of inferiority in others.