Emily Dow

Going out to eat is a privilege. Whether it be to a fancy restaurant, a local diner, or the affordable, authentic, high-quality halal trucks across the street (not sponsored), eating out is typically a very enjoyable experience. Recently, though, it hasn’t been great for me or presumably the millions of others who share my accurate opinions.

You see, we as a society constructed a simple set of rules to follow when dining out: no shirt, no shoes, no service. These rules are a staple of going out to eat, typically framed above the doorway or next to the host stand; if not written, they are regarded as the first unspoken rules of dining. I believe a shirt and shoes are necessary requirements that with their introduction only elevate the experience of eating out. But I also believe we as a society can do better.

Why are we letting people skirt by with the bare minimum? This is just a symptom of the ever-growing epidemic of nonchalance in today’s society—have you seen those people wearing pajamas to school? This epidemic must be stopped, and it starts by addressing the vast levels of impropriety being accepted in dining out. I don’t consider myself to be particularly uptight, but I refuse to sit alongside a man with no pants on in a restaurant. I don’t care that he’s technically upholding the dress code by rocking the same style as the Honey Nut Cheerios mascot. He’s not wearing pants.

I propose we revise the list of dining requirements and introduce new rules for consumers to follow while eating out. And before any naysayers interject with “No shirt, no shoes is a restaurant tradition! We can’t mess with tradition,” please note that in some places, these rules have already been updated to include face masks. There is a precedent for modernization.

So without further ado, here is the updated list of rules for a civilized dining experience:

1. No shirt, no shoes, no service. It’s catchy, and although those restrictions alone don’t cut it anymore, they’re still applicable today.
2. Wear pants. I didn’t think that needed to be said, but a few of you freaks have been getting bolder lately so it feels important to include.
3. Leave all pets at home—except cats. They know what it’s like to be treated as high society, and will act appropriately.
4. Bring headphones. We don’t need to hear your uncle just “checking in” from across the restaurant.
5. Your shoulders and knees must be covered. What if God is in this Chili’s tonight?
6. Bring a protractor. You’ll see what I’m angling at soon enough.
7. You need a pocket to hold your wallet, and a wallet to hold your money. I don’t care if you didn’t have any onion rings; we agreed before we ordered to split this check evenly, and we WILL be splitting this check evenly.
8. Adorn yourself with a posh hat and coat to remove at the door. Show some damn respect.
9. All requests for food modifications must be submitted in the form of a limerick. 
10. Bring a pocket watch. You’ll see why in due time.
11. Have some common decency. I can’t think of a way to check this at the door, so just bow as you enter and curtsy as you leave and that should suffice.
12. You must set all silverware in front of you at a measured 45° angle facing your plate, unless it’s a spork: All sporks must be balanced one atop the other forming a tower touching the ceiling before the meal can continue.
13. Whenever a lady over the age of 40 enters the restaurant, you must stand and applaud. She has been through so much.
14. Don’t offer to pay for other people. That’s communism. Don’t be a communist (♫Ohhhhh say can you seeee♫).
15. If your food takes more than 30 minutes to arrive, pull out your pocket watch, hop on the table, and shout (preferably in a British accent), “It’s late! It’s late! Far too late for me to wait! No time to say ‘hello,’ goodbye! It’s late! It’s late! It’s late!” Then, while maintaining direct eye contact with someone who works at the restaurant, walk backwards out the door and never return.
16. If you’re going out to eat and it’s your birthday, no it’s not. Public embarrassment for us all is not worth a free dessert.
17. Keep conversations to a minimum. If you must talk, talk about something worthwhile. Like the economy, or Warner Bros’ appalling treatment of the Looney Tunes IP.
18. When your meal has come to an end, fold your napkins into origami swans to signal to the staff you are satisfied with the food and service they provided. If you are unsatisfied with what was provided, follow the second half of the instructions listed in rule 15.

And there you have it! I guarantee that if you follow these rules, you can be sure to have a pleasant, high-class dining experience. And if you don’t, you deserve your fries soggy.