Aries: Those refreshing ice pops you’ve been craving all year will be far out of your reach once RFK Jr. bans Red 40. Stock up while you still can.

Taurus: You may escape the beach, but you will never escape the sand.

Gemini: The sun is not your enemy, my friend. Stop hiding from its loving embrace. Step outside. Maybe even touch grass, if you’re feeling brave.

Cancer: Whether the stars tell you to or not, you WILL cause a ruckus at your local public pool.

Leo: Dang, beautiful, is it hot out here, or is it just you? It’s you. You’re burning. Put on sunscreen immediately.

Virgo: You’ve worked so hard. Your vacation can’t come fast enough, but you’re not emotionally ready for the lack of purpose that comes with the structureless free-time a summer vacation brings yet.

Libra: Buy one of those inflatable pool flamingos. It won’t fix any of your life’s problems, but it’ll turn you into the type of person who owns one of those inflatable pool flamingos, and that can only be an improvement.

Scorpio: Despite popular belief, you WILL pull off a perfect dive at your local public pool to the cheers and admiration of all.

Sagittarius: You’ll hear the screams and shrieks of a hundred tortured souls and ask yourself, “Am I in Hell?” No, you’re working at a children’s day camp.

Capricorn: Be wary the next time you play Marco Polo, lest you accidentally summon the ghost of the man himself.

Aquarius: Today will be the greatest day of your life, because today will be the day the subway car you choose finally has air conditioning. 

Pisces: Both the stars and comedy follow the rule of threes, so you WILL commit the heinous act of running in the pool area at your local public pool and suffer the appropriate consequence of face-planting in front of everyone you know and love.