Aries: If Cupid strikes, be wary: The last guy you need to be taking relationship advice from is the immortal baby with a long-range weapon.
Taurus: Roses are red, violets are blue, the average distance between two stars in our galaxy is about 29 trillion miles, almost as far away as having a significant other is from you.
Gemini: You celebrate Galentine’s Day instead, which is commendable. Paying the full marked-up price for name-brand limited-edition Valentine’s Day-themed candy to celebrate a fake holiday is not.
Cancer: It’s been just over a month. How’s your resolution working out?
Leo: A saint was brutally executed on this day, and you celebrate his misfortune with chocolates and roses? Expect similar treatment from those around you the next time you have a bad day.
Virgo: You don’t need to handmake a card for everyone in the class anymore. It’s okay. You can rest now.
Libra: Your jealousy of all the lovey-dovey couples surrounding you distracts you from the real enemy: Hallmark.
Scorpio: From this day forward, your life will be like a box of chocolates. More coconut than expected (or wanted).
Sagittarius: You’re single because you’re better than everyone. Act like it.
Capricorn: Today’s also National Donor Day, so if you have a heart, donate it.
Aquarius: The stars can’t help you. Please seek out candy molded into hearts with messages printed on them if your love life needs guidance.
Pisces: Tomorrow’s when all the candy goes on sale. Maybe bonding over good deals is just what your failing relationship needs.