Aries: Come as you are, and you’ll win that festive ugly sweater competition for sure.

Taurus: Across the street, you will witness the Joker stealing the Batmobile’s wheels, Robin sitting atop a giant egg, and Batman smelling himself then crying. You will not know what to do. It will be extremely awkward.

Gemini: They say that no two snowflakes are the same, and they’re right. But you’re not a snowflake, which means there’s someone out there who’s exactly like you. You’re not unique.

Cancer: Beware the mistletoe—if you and a special someone step under it, it will fall on you, and you’ll look stupid.

Leo: The stars say you can’t eat raw Pillsbury Christmas Tree Sugar Cookie Dough, and so does the FDA. But you’ll still do it anyway.

Virgo: Your dreams of riches will come to fruition. Unfortunately, it won’t be in gold—it’ll be in gelt.

Libra: Riding a sled down icy stairs may be a bad idea, but it would look really cool filmed, and you get that. The doctors at the E.R. will not.

Scorpio: That’s not Santa, you’re being robbed. Call the police.

Sagittarius: The Sagittarius season ends on the shortest and darkest day of the year. You don’t need a horoscope to tell you that’s a bad omen. 

Capricorn: We get it, the wrapping paper is pretty. Yes, we’re all so proud of you for picking it out yourself. Now, SHUT UP!

Aquarius: Lighting candles may be a hassle, but it does provide the most flattering light for a dramatic reading of How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Use that to your advantage.

Pisces: Your New Year’s Day will mark the beginning of a new year, one brimming with new opportunities!… For your overzealous-with-the-decorations neighbor, not for you. Maybe if you took some more initiative in your life, you wouldn’t need a horoscope to tell you you’ve got nothing to look forward to.