Aries: That Halloween party you’re planning? It will end in disaster, as foretold by the billion slasher films about idiot teenagers just like you.

Taurus: A tall, handsome stranger will catch your eye on the subway. Do not go to them. The car they are in has no air conditioning.

Gemini: The stars spell out an abundance of Almond Joys in your immediate trick-or-treating future, and if you’re cool with that, you are beyond saving.

Cancer: Maybe you’ll enjoy the free school lunch today, maybe you won’t, but your parents’ credit card will surely thank you.

Leo: While your neighbors are already setting up their Christmas decorations, you still haven’t started that English assignment due a month ago. Take the hint.

Virgo: You will definitely not stutter and say something stupid when called on in class today, even though you definitely know the answer and are definitely expecting to be called on.

Libra: On this All Hallows Eve, all the skeletons in your closet will come to life and embarrass you in front of all your friends.

Scorpio: Despite your desperate pleas to the universe, The Nightmare Before Christmas will never be acknowledged as the Halloween (NOT CHRISTMAS) movie it rightfully is.

Sagittarius: You’re going to read a horoscope and learn that a pumpkin is a fruit. It will shatter your world.

Capricorn: Your special birthday star pattern is a goat mermaid, which explains why people always think you’re wearing a festive costume when really, it’s just your everyday look.

Aquarius: You will board a subway car, hear someone behind you scream, and turn to see some weirdo running fast in the opposite direction.

Pisces: All your precious hand-carved jack-o’-lanterns will rot before the 31st, you overachieving tryhard.