Everybody knows about Santa whether you celebrate Christmas or not: you know, the plump old guy who shimmies down the chimney on Christmas spreading joy, presents, and conspiracy theories. Many people are content with the simple explanation of Santa as he is known commercially, a festive gift giver who rewards well-behaved young children with colorfully wrapped presents. However, there are so many unanswered questions surrounding the enigmatic individual that is Santa. Why does he resist the aging process? And what’s the deal with his army of elves? Brace yourself and let’s unwrap the figure that is Santa Claus — and discover who the figure behind that frosty white beard truly is.

Despite the centuries of his existence, Santa maintains the appearance of a man around the age of 70. Clearly, this figure is no ordinary senior citizen. Breaking and entering into homes is his annual routine. Call it generosity if you must, but it’s hard to ignore the peculiar creepiness of a nighttime gift giver. Regardless of intention, it’s also difficult to overlook the fact that this is blatant breaking and entering. And have you ever wondered why, despite countless Arctic expeditions, no one has caught a glimpse of the man himself? The only plausible explanation is that Santa and his elves have set up shop underground, where he can conduct his questionable business without prying eyes. Knowing all of this leads me to a conclusion: Santa is in fact a mad scientist, and while this may seem far-fetched, hear me out.

For one, it is a well known fact that Mr. Claus houses flying reindeer. But there’s a problem with this: reindeer don’t fly (obviously). However, if we assume that Santa is indeed a mad scientist, it is not outside the realm of possibility for him to instill powers of flight into his reindeer through some secret method known only to him, a potion perhaps in classic mad scientist fashion may be what he is using. And let’s talk about those elves. Last time I checked, they weren’t lining up to work in freezing conditions for free. I propose a more sinister explanation: Santa is essentially running a North Pole sweatshop, with kidnapped children turned into obedient laborers. You heard it here first — Santa is guilty of child labor, slavery, kidnapping, and possibly fashioning the world’s most illegal assembly line. 

As we unwrap all of this, it’s evident that Santa’s jolly exterior conceals a dark secret; behind the twinkling eyes, rosy cheeks, and pot-bellied tummy is a despicable figure covertly heading an iceberg of ethical violations. It’s concerning to think of how many children look up to Santa as a caring, generous, fatherly figure, whilst being clearly oblivious to the fact that he’s the type of guy you’d find in a dark alley, or driving a white van offering candy. So, in remembering the holiday season, keep in mind, Santa may not be the saintly figure you thought he was. But hey, at least the presents were real!